The time is….NOW!

OMG!  I can’t think straight!  I can’t focus!  I’m so excited that I just can’t hardly stand it!  I leave in the morning, for my trip to Guatemala.  I leave, for the adventure of my life!  I’ve decided I’m not saying no to anything that presents itself!  I can not go on this amazing trip, and be a chicken shit!  Even if I didn’t go now?  Even if they told me at the airport that they were sorry, it was all a mistake, this whole experience?  It’s already changed me.  I’d be pissed, don’t get me wrong!  LOL  But, I feel like it’s already changed me, and I’ll be forever grateful for that.

   I can’t begin to explain what this trip is going to mean to me!  I went to college at GCC to persue my RN, and I’ve gotten sidetracked by spanish!  I’m so in love with it!  The language, the culture, the music…everything!  I’m still working on my RN of course, but now I’ve added language in, and I can’t / won’t stop!  I want to be fluent.  I want to travel, and help, and share, and learn.  It’s so exciting!  I’m 41 yrs old, and before I won this scholarship, I honestly thought these things were past the point of opportunity for me.  I never dreamed I would be doing something like this.  Now I can’t imagine letting it stop here.  I’ve learned I have alot to give, and alot to learn, from this world!   And I’m about to experience life outside of my borders…outside of my comfort zone.  I can not wrap my mind around what that will be like!  So, you’ll have to wait until I’ve actually experienced it to get my thoughts on that…

My 2 pink suitcases are packed and sitting next to my bed!  My carry on, my camera bag and my lap top bag will be sitting on the counter when I go to bed, all ready to go.  I’ve got copies of my passport and other pertinent info in a manilla envelope in my underwear drawer.  I’ve talked to all the kids,  gone over my plans over and over…I have my “travel outfit” folded neatly sitting atop my dresser.  I’m like, the travel freak!  I’m so excited I hope I can sleep!!   If not…I guess I have a long ride tomorrow. haha Just kidding, babe (he’d kill me!)

I leave the ground at 1:59 tomorrow afternoon.  Send me lots of positive energy!!

Happy Fathers Day!

Happy Fathers Day!   It took several years for me to even be able to say that again!  I lost my dad in 1996.  I was only 29 years old.  Not old enough to lose my dad.  I was utterly heart broken.  I don’t think it’s possible for a girl to be closer to her daddy, then I was with mine.  He was an amazing, loving man.  I was amazed at how big his heart was, and how much everyone seemed to love him.  When I was young, my dad was a raging alcoholic.  Lots of bad memories around this time.  Then, he quit and never looked back.  He was sober for over 16 years when he died.  I was always supremely proud of him for that.  That was not an easy thing to do!  And my mother…OMG I think she was easier for him to tolerate, drunk.  She was horrible to him, saying things like “you may as well drink because I still don’t see you anyways”.  He was at AA meetings usually every night.  Then he started speaking at them.  Sharing his story, his peaks and valleys of his disease.  Then he became very very active at the VFW, holding local offices, then state offices.  I was so proud of him.  He was so handsome in his uniform.   I got involved in the VFW also, and it became a thing we did together.  We’d go to state conferences, I ran bingo with him for a few years, I became a member of the Ladies Aux. and of the color guard.  I remember his looks of pride as I’d march by.  It made me feel good to share this with him.  At the VFW, when they had bands, my dad would work the bar, and I’d cocktail waitress.  God, those were some seriously good times.  Such good people I met there.   I remember when someone would get married, or someone would die, we would gather at the club and make food!  Or bring in food.  And we always had gatherings for our friends and members, good circumstances, or bad.  And then, it was my turn.  My dad had died.  I was at the VFW not supplying food, but eating food.  Not offering hugs and condolences, but being wept on, loved on,  and offered condolences.  At his funeral when they supplied full color guard for him, they played taps for him, I was so deeply proud, and moved, and sad beyond words.   I couldn’t imagine a life without him.  And yet, life has gone on.  And I’ve done ok.  I miss him.  All the time.  I look at his pictures, and miss him.  On his Birthday every year, I eat some mint julep candies..which were his favorite.   I used to get him a balloon, and set it free in the sky.  I havn’t done that for the last few years…I think because my kids are older.  They used to do that with me.   I will always remember the last thing he said to me.  He said, ” Babe, leaving you is the hardest.  I’m not sure your going to be ok.  I’ve never been to the other side, so I don’t really know how it works, but if I can let you know I’m with you, I will.  Watch for me.”  And I do!  And I’ve felt him, many, many times.  I’ve heard him laugh.  I’ve felt him sit on the edge of my bed.  I’ve watched, and seen, the signs, and I KNOW that he’s with me, alot of the time.   I love and miss you, daddy….

One week left!

I fly away one week from today!!!  Amazing!  It’s too crazy to think about for long. LOL  I went today and got my Guatemala Do.  I was supposed to go yesterday but I had the time for my appt. wrong…Grrrr  So, I went today!  And I like it!  I didn’t go short, like usual.  And the color is….wow.  I’m not used to it yet!   I can’t believe I’m leaving my everything in one short week!  I just packed my second bag today.  I’m really ready!  It’s so flipping exciting!! 

I talked to all the kids today!  Talked to Erik, who’s doing well down in FL.  He posted some pics today of him and Kayla.  They are looking so grown up.  Kat called today, and Becca called too.  And of course, Joselyn, who I see every day    I miss them kids that I don’t see everyday!  They are growing up..and doing their own thing.   I love them all so much, it’s crazy.  My boy is going to be 22 this summer…WTF??  When did that happen??  I remember his as a tiny wee boy, lying on the couch sound asleep.  I’d pile pillows all around him so he wouldn’t roll off….Now he’s longer then the couch!  Now he’s a man.  A man in love with a beautiful sweet girl.   And Becca…awww dang I remember when she was a teeny tiny baby with bright red hair!  She was the happiest baby EVER.  She NEVER cried.  She was always happy, always smiling.  And Kat…Kat was wild, even as a baby.  I remember her whizzing by in her walker, not able to walk yet, but hanging onto the dogs tail, and treating his tail like a horses reign.  He would run by, and she was flying behind him…hahahaha she would giggle so.   And Joselyn…she came into my life at 6 yrs old.  She was such a demon!  She used to hide my things outside lol.  We laugh about that now.  She is 14 and growing into an amazing young lady.  She’s got a fabulous sense of humor and she’s so beautiful.  They all are.  What can I say?  I have beautiful children. :)  They’ve all had their challenges growing up, but they all make me very proud.  I drive them all crazy with my camera, but they will appreciate it someday.  I have so many pictures its amazing.  I love looking at our albums.  They bring back so many memories.  Of course now, so many of the newer albums are online, which is great.  It’s neat to look at the pics on the “big screen.”   Someday, when they all have kids of their own, they’ll be glad I was always taking pics.  And who knows?  Maybe one or two of them will end up photo buffs too   Erik takes random pics already, like me.  He’s good, too! 

Gosh…I feel so sad and old now…………

I fly away in 9 days!!

I can not believe I fly away in 9 days!  Thats so soon!  I’m not ready!  I’m getting scared now.  I’m trying to imagine what it will really be like, to be in another country!  FAR away from my family..far from anything or anyone familiar at all!  I can’t!  I honestly can not really imagine it.  I’m so excited, and yet scared to death, at the same time.  I feel amazed that this opportunity is even here for me!  And I feel even more amazed that I’m actually going to do it!  This Monday I start the anti malaria med.  Every Monday, from the week before I leave, all through my time away, and 4 weeks after I get back!  Wow…serious stuff!   I wish so bad I could stop scaring myself to death….I’m trying to get all packed now, as the time is coming real fast now!  You know whats really interesting though?  I’ll be somewhere on July 4th, where it means nothing.  That will be so wierd!   I go tomorrow to Mass and get my hair done.  And tame those wild wooly bears!!  Gosh, my brows are out of control!  LOL  Hey, ya gotta laugh at yourself, right??  That way, it doesn’t sting so much when everyone else does. haha

Kat went back to Bangor today…I feel so sad, kidless, and lonely.  Erik’s in FL…Becca is living out of the house with her bf and Kat is in ME.  Joselyn is the only one home all the time now!  It’s so wierd.  It’s wierd to be the old people in this story.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.   We finally got big rigs to cart everyone around,  and a big house, and everyone leaves…

Work is a struggle lately.  I’m having a really hard time deciding what the hell I want to do.  Do I want to continue with nursing?  Do I just need to change my direction in nursing?  Do I want to start over, in another capacity?  I’m really not quite sure!   Do I want to persue the RN and go right into an ARNP program??  I guess the possibilities are endless…which is pretty cool.  I like having choices!   I wish I could make a living with my camera.  I’d be so much happier!  Then I could nurse on MY time…MY terms….maybe travel to other countries every few months and help out there.  Do an immunization clinic, or something.  Then move on.  It seems I’d feel like I was making a more defined, more important difference.  Thats all I really want, is to make a difference.  Isn’t that what everyone wants,  in some way or form?  Who knows where we’ll end up…what we’ll end up doing.   All I know for sure is,  it’s going to be amazing!  

The Countdown Is On!!

Omg the countdown to Guatemala is ON!!   I fly away in 17 days!!  I can not really believe it!  I keep going over my list in my head…passport? CHECK!  travel insurance? CHECK!  travel meds?  CHECK!  hep A injection done? CHECK!   travel plans / times all set with Mario, who’s picking me up at the airport?  CHECK!   scholarship checks in?  CHECK!   OMG I’M REALLY LEAVING!!   I have one of my suitcases packed already. LOL   I’m so excited about this amazing trip! 

My sister had surgery a few days ago, at BMH.  I was so worried about her being there…she was cool though, had already made 100% sure that Dr. Butchwalter wouldn’t be allowed anywhere NEAR her.  If he even tried, he’d have had to fight Sarah, and I think he would have lost!  hahaha  My sister came through fine, and is home now recupe’ing.  Carrie is taking care of her, awww     I talked to her today, and she sounds good, comfortable.  She is hopefully going to still make it to our party this weekend!  Just a BBQ at our place, a fire, friends and family.  Good times, good times.  Sadly, my bro Marky can’t come.   Hey, he made it to our last one!  Wheeeeeee  I love him so much, and don’t see him NEAR enough. 

Remember blog-buddies, the count down is ON, and this will only get more exciting when i’m out of the country!! Stay tuned!!

There we go!

Wow!  I was having some type of glitch with my blog…it wouldn’t let me add new posts!!  My hubby fixed it for me tonite so, here we goooooo

Whats new?  What isn’t??  Life is wild/crazy/stressfull/funny all wrapped up on one.  I’m sad that my sister is no longer working for Mapletown.  She was an awesome social worker and will be missed by MANY, not just me.  I’ve been trying to be more social, which is awkward and uncomfortable for me.  I’m proud of myself though, because I had a really great time!  I went to the mall on Saturday with my friends Amanda and Chelsea.  We had a blast!  I had a blast!  I was so nervous at 1st, but then I was (thankfully) able to relax, and then I just had fun!  On Sunday I met up with an old friend, Brenda, who I havn’t seen in years.  We also had a really nice visit!  I was left wondering, on Sunday evening….what have I been so afraid of??  I had a really nice weekend!  All I had to do was relax, and go with the flow.  Now, for those who know me well…this may seem like a shocking revelation.  In my work life I’m very confident, outgoing, in charge, in control, team player.  When I leave there, however, I’m insecure, self concious, unsure of things, nervous.  When my children were little and they had school functions?  I would either make any excuse not to go, out of sheer fear.  Or, I would go, and sit in the very back, so I could make a quick exit if need be.  On the times I made excuses, I felt sick about it, and guilty, all night.  I would watch them while they slept that night, and promise I would be better at this, I would try really hard to not miss their concerts, or plays, or whatever it was they were doing.  But the fear always won.  I always wanted to go…bad!  But I couldn’t…the fear was so gripping that I couldn’t move past it, or through it.  Then I would wonder, for weeks, if “they all” thought I was a horrible parent for not going to my kids function.  Or for not bringing my kid to her own function.  Then when I saw other parents durring drop offs, or pick ups, I was always wondering what they were thinking of me.  Truthfully, they probably weren’t thinking of me at all.  But I couldn’t imagine that could be true. Not then…not at the time.  I wanted to chaperone trips with them, and I could not force myself.  I was a smoker too then, and was terrified of being “all day” without a smoke.  How sad, to have been so owned by the addiction, and owned by my fears, that I never did any of that stuff.  And I feel bad for my kids, still to this day, that I never did that stuff.  I truly wanted to.  My fears were so intense…I still suffer from these fears to this day, only now, I fight them.  I know I can win now, where in the past, this knowledge was not known to me.  I do all kinds of things now that I would never do, 5, 10 yrs ago.  I go out with friends!  I dance!  I don’t ALWAYS sit in the last row anymore, although I still do, sometimes.   I go on trips, I go to school!  This spring semester was the 1st time I sat at a table with others.  I told myself all the way on the ride to Greenfield, “Dori?! You will NOT sit alone!”   It’s odd when I think that others?  Probably don’t even have those thoughts, yet I thought it ALL THE WAY to school.  I host parties at my home!  VERY new to me.  I remember the kids would have Birthday parties and I would stress out totally for 2 weeks ahead of time, and usually end up just no fun at the party because I was so jacked up.  Sad!!  Sometimes I still rely on my husband too much, but I work on that everyday, and I’m improving!   I’m traveling to Guatemala by myself, which is still shocking to me.  I am so scared, but so excited,  and very proud of myself because I know full well that even 6 months ago, I NEVER would have done this.   And I would have missed out on an amazing experience!    My children, they are a bit older now, and they understand me more now.  They encourage me to try things, and they are happy when I do it successfully.  They are so proud of my Guatemala excursion.  I love my children, so very very much.  It’s scary all by itself how you can love someone so much as you do your children.  You always want to be perfect for them, but It’s humbling somehow, when they figure out your really not, and love you anyways.